My problem with gifts

Here's the deal. I give gifts. But I am not good at accepting them.

The thing is, giving gifts to my friends and loved ones is something I find much joy in doing.
And when I care enough about you, expect me to shower you with gifts. I don't wait for the yearly birthday celebration or whatever. If I see something and imagine you in it or enjoying it, I'll get it for you. I don't think about the monetary value behind it.

The other thing that I love doing is giving gifts to strangers. I love the look of surprise on their face. I get a kick out of it :)

I truly believe in the Pay it Forward philosophy. It totally works.

Let's take this weekend, which is really not different from any other day of the week. Whatever happened yesterday, happens often. But yesterday, it made me think...

A stranger at a local cafe offered to buy my latte. I 'of course' declined many times, but he still went a long and paid for it.

I sat there drinking my "complimentary" drink. But I was really not enjoying it. Something was on my mind and it was distracting me. I realised soon enough that I was "extremely uncomfortable" with this gift. And Why? because it created an imbalance in our non-existent relationship. I did not know this person. I may never see him again. But he sat there with his friend enjoying his tea laughing and having a great time.

I have paid it forward at many locations to many strangers. And although it's not the first time I am on the receiving end, this time I am feeling uncomfortable.

So that's the problem...the imbalance in the relationship. Because I am never going to see him again, I felt I could never show him how much his act of kindness meant to me. And if I am to apply this to my own personal life, I am left with one thought. This imbalance does exist but I have managed to live with it.

My motto is, treat people like you want to be treated. I am a barrel of kindness, generousity, love and passion. I give, give and give. And I never ever feel that this barrel is refilled by others. But, as a young adult I decided it's not about how people treat me in return. It's the energy I release into the world because I know it comes back in many different ways. And I am loved and appreciated.

So, after much thinking, I got up, purchased a gift card and with 40 minutes still left to spare decided to end my break and hand over the gift to this stranger. He looked at me and said "oh no, I did it because I wanted to. I don't want anything in return". I smiled at him and said "Please never change. Enjoy your Saturday".

This is what I rarely feel in return except just recently from a dear friend. For the first time, someone has vocalized to me this imbalance and how it is impossible to repay me back or show me this act of kindness.

What goes around comes around...